Hi Skymonk, you are so welcome. I'm glad it was helpful to you. I just sent you a private message because my reply turned into a thesis. Very long, but everything you asked & talked about sounded just like us. I wanted to give you the background on how bad things were between us and how far we've come. I still, still cannot believe it. Convincing my boyfriend to even go or try it was one thing, but I think the miraculous changes we've experienced might be mainly because I made a lot of effort and I guess I've made changes and he in turn has responded positively to that. So it definitely takes both parties. And I also think learning or being informed what some of the other's issues were and where they were coming from (due to our pasts, parents, childhoods, etc.) helped as well. And that sometimes they were learned reactions or experiences from then. Or those things weren't really intentionally mean or geared toward the other but toward (or from) our parents or whatever. Takes a very skilled therapist at that sort of stuff too (the couples or relationship stuff) I would think. I know I never would have gotten & never did get any of that from my individual therapist, so that's why I'm saying I think it takes someone really skilled at couples work.

You're right, it is hard to get anyone to understand that we still want a relationship, even if we can't handle it or try to push anyone away from us. That led to a lot of fights for us as well. The whole I hate you but I need a hug afterward thing. Would really freak my boyfriend out and leave me feeling even more stabbed & rejected.

Check your PM, there's that stuff & more. Hope you don't mind the book, but I know how desperate I've been for help. Had a feeling you'd appreciate hearing how the story went since you're in the same boat.