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Oct 10, 2008, 09:10 AM

Had T yesterday and had my first official meltdown over this whole thing with my mother.

I have been fighting to "stay strong" and I come close to crying everyday, but I've sucked it back up. You know the kind I'm talking about the, scrunched up face, quivering lip, tears in eyes with an occassional overflow of a drop or two. And the whoosh--suck it up.

Lost it yesterday with T. Lost it yesterday with hubby when he asked "how'd T go."

I guess it was good because we're off to see the oncologist today and it freed up some room in my messed up head.

My mother has taken a downward turn this past week. I have lots of questions.

My "little kid" cried yesterday. She cried because she realized her "mommy" is really leaving her and she feels abandonded and all alone, just like she was all those years ago in the middle of hell.

The angry teen cried because she thinks "why the hell should I help her when she never helped me."

The adult me cried because I've come to the sad realization that I'll never get what I needed from her. I cried for all the sadness and hell she had in her life too.

But the strong me will be there for her. She is scared. She is sad. She is funny and she is beautiful. She's my mom.