See what I mean Mel, about the wonderful peeps here? You posted this like 5 seconds ago and already you're feeling the love. Psych Central is an amazing place. I think that forgiveness is a wonderful thing to hope and dream for... and sadly one of the most difficult things in the world to find. It's hidden somewhere deep down in the depths of who we are and it seems, at times, like it's never gonna let us find it. I don't blame you one bit for being racked with emotions when you're near your abusers. It's "normal"... what ever that is. Fight or flight... ever hear of that? It's instinctual to run from something you fear and after what's happened to you, who could blame you for fearing those men? I certainly can't. One of my abusers I'm 10 times closer to forgiving than the other. And if I were to ever come face to face with that other, I'm sure I'd either become a ball of whimpering fear, or lash out like I've never done before... out of fear. I wish you the very best in life. You're a cycle breaker. Everyone here is. I can tell that by the way you speak of your children. Good luck.

Ry