According to the literature, and even a few therapists who I have described this relationship as, it falls under abuse. Psychological and emotional they have told me, and logically it makes sense. Emotionally though...Well...It still makes sense, but... I'm not sure.

When I was young, about four, my parents got divorced. For about four years it was me and my mom, pretty much alone except for a boyfriend every now and then. I only remember one of them, but that's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother post. Anyway, this time period was not exactly the best. I felt abandoned by my father, who about a week after the divorce was finalized moved across the country, and couldn't find it in him to pick up a phone every once in a while, and thought that it was my fault that he left.

This is when I start remembering things that my mom claim never happened. I can swear that I can remember punishments like my mother force feeding me cherry Twizzlers all day long because I would steal one or two. In fact, to this day the smell of that particular flavor of Twizzlers makes me ill. Other things, her screaming and ranting at me about how I'm ungrateful, and a spoiled brat, and how I was going to turn out exactly like my father, and how I was worthless...and all that kind of stuff. I remember dreading going home afterschool because my house seemed like such a dark horrible place to be. Despite all of that, or maybe because of it, I don't know, I feel like my mother was simply doing her best as a young mother to raise me by herself. I look a lot like my father, and think that that may be part of what her rage towwards me was. Stuff like this continued until I moved out about three years ago (because she had been giving me the Silent Treatment for 4 months). Now that I'm older, we seem to have a much better relationship, and she treats my younger half siblings (the oldest of whom is 11) extremely well. Not at all like I remember.

I was just curious, would it be possible that I created all of these memories, and if I did, from where. And if I didn't, would they be considered abuse? I mean, I don't know what to think, I virtually worship my mother. She is my hero, and yet I'm terrified of her, and fear that I can never live up to her expectations. I just don't know what to think anymore about her.