Lehara,

I just wanted to respond because something you said is exactly the way I feel. You said, "Sometimes I think if the guys who have abandoned me in the past were mean guys that ended up leaving me it would all be better and make more sense but that is not the case." Exactly. I know what you mean. I also feel like I keep getting left by men I care about and have been totally blind sided (didn't expect it) a couple times. Those are the hardest ones to accept, I think. Also, I have a tendency for being with guys who feel one way one minute and are totally different the next. Unstable, conflicted, confused, flakey, etc. depending on which guy is in question.

While I know no one is perfect, my ex who left me was actually one of the best people I've ever met in my life, and I can say this even now. His leaving me didn't make him less of a wonderful person. I knew him for several years, and I believe I knew him well. He is seriously a wonderful person and he treated me as well, if not better, than anyone could hope for in a relationship. Yet, he left. Now, I don't blame him. Good people break up with people all the time. People even- for some reason or the other- leave people they still love sometimes. Anyway, the thing is, I thought it would have been easier for me to get over him if he had been a jerk, but he wasn't. He was a great person, a wonderful friend, and an amazing boyfriend. That made him harder to get over, but then again, I am glad he wasn't a jerk, in a way. I am glad for the time we shared together.

You said you only start to ask them a lot of questions when you feel they are about to abandon you. Sometimes people percieve impending abandonment when there is none. It is possible you suspect abandonment when none is near. If someone becomes ultra clingy, accusitory, argumentative, etc. when they suspect abandonment is nearing, they can potentially push their partner away. Eventually this can drive away a partner who even intented to stay. Now, I'm not saying these guys were your fault- in fact, it sounds like they had their own issues. However, just for future reference, this may be an issue you should look into.

Now, it sounds to me like these guys were either very flakey, or/and unstable, something happened that you were unaware of to change their direction with you, OR they weren't as serious about the relationship as you thought. I know that is hard to think about. May I ask how long you were seeing them?

Now, I would say it sounds like maybe you need to take some "you" time and try not to date for awhile. Try to straighten your own life and issues out maybe before getting serious about a guy. And try not to get serious about anyone for awhile. Just be casual maybe? I know sometimes we develop feelings we didn't intend to, but just try keeping it casual and work on your own issues and life. It may even help your next relationship to go better if you have your stuff straightened out. I think it would help me in relationships if me and my life weren't such messes right now.

Also, while it is definitely possible to have a serious relationship at your age and to have genuine feelings for someone, a lot of people are just playing the field, or not taking anything too seriously, so maybe these guys were more relaxed about the situation than you were. I know that is hard to think about, but it could explain some of their behavior. It really hurts when a relationship ends and you lose someone you care about, but the hurt usually numbs itself somewhat with time. Sort of our mind's way of protecting itself, I guess. Also, you said Frankie came as a result of losing Jeff. Just know other opportunities (other guys you care about and other things- like life opportunities) will come along that would never have come along if Frankie hadn't left. I am not saying it will make everything a-ok. I still have regrets about my last serious relationship. I still miss him, and there are scars there. Yet, I also have good memories. While part of me wishes he had never left, another part of me couldn't wish back the things that have come along as a result of him leaving. It is complicated. I do miss and love him, but I also have formed relationships (not purely romantic ones) that may have never happened otherwise, and I care for these people, as well. I also have experienced good things I never would have otherwise. I am not saying I am glad he left. I am not. But I can't say I wish these things hadn't happened or I had never met these people, either. I just wish I could have had both somehow. That's impossible, I know. Just saying, with the bad some good may come. It may not make it worth it to you, or it may be equal to the bad, or it may be even greater good than bad comes out of this for you. It is hard to say. I am just saying, this may bring good things to you along with the bad you've experienced, and I hope you see that good soon.

~Locust