It's strange Jen. I've come to the same realization. My T asked me today what my interests were and I told her I didn't know. She asked me what they were before my BP surfaced. I again said I didn't know. I know I like music, I've always liked music. Other than that, I guess I'm in the same boat as you. I'm curious on how you are discovering who you are? How exactly are you doing that? I'm so lost that I don't even know where to begin to find me and I certainly don't like me, I HATE me. I can honestly say that the only time I've ever been truly *happy* in life is when I drank. And I mean DRANK, a LOT. I got drunk every night. But that allowed the true me to emerge and I lapped up every second of life then. But as all good things do, it came to an end. Maybe I need to start drinking again so the inner me who is screaming to get out, can.

Well I kinda got the wind knocked out of my sails in therapy today. I told her about the 2 issues in my first post above in this thread and I said if I could accept both of those issues in my life and move on from them, then I wouldn't be depressed anymore. What denial that was. Her reply to me was that I'm dealing with a chemical imbalance in my brain, and being BP, I will always have to deal with depression. I know she's right. Who was I ever fooling before.

Yea, your comments all make sense. I guess that's my denial of BP again. Every prior relationship I've had with a guy in my life was before my BP surfaced. It wasn't an issue. I guess my denial was telling myself that love would conquer all? My whole life is a f'ing lie. I'm right by saying I'll never have anybody, who would want this pandora's box of emotions? Why can't love cure all things? Life SUCKS!!!

I think you're wrong, I do have to find a way to accept that I'll always be alone. Nobody is gonna come swooping down and love me with all of the crap that comes with me. C'mon, let's be realistic. What guy wants such a difficult life? Love shouldn't have to be so hard. LOVE SUCKS!!! I HATE IT!!! IT ONLY BRINGS ME HEARTACHE!!! I don't want a heart that is broken, but that's my destiny. That's my reality and the sooner I learn to accept that, then that will be one less issue for me to think about.

What's the point or advantage of loving myself when nobody else will? It won't matter. Joy? WTF is that?

It no longer matters about my broken heart. Strong? I don't know why people keep telling me I'm strong. I'm not. I'm fragile and weak. I know I have friends here and I'm forever grateful for that. but I crave and need an IRL love. Someone to hold me and give me a *REAL* hug. I'll never have that. Be happy? Of course I'd love to be happy, whatever that is, but it's not going to happen, ever. My BP will see to that. What I get is a LIFE SENTENCE of pain and heartbreak. My shattered heart.

Thx for trying Jen but after today's T appt, I feel worse than yesterday. I'm once again falling . . . . . . and the tears fall too.