Angel,

When things get too much for me, I often have suicidal ideation. Blessed peace seems to beackon me. Then I reaize that "peace" may not be as peaceful as it seems. What if I really screw up and I can't go back and change my decision.

I used to read fiction that I could get lost in and that helped pass the time. Since I can't read much anymore, I watch movies or play on the computer. SInce I don't have many movies, I play the ones I have and even though I'm not paying complete attention to them, I hear them in the background, and they are familiar and comfortable. I can actually think when I hear their noise in the background.

Sometimes I just sleep and sleep and sleep. Eventually I will have a little energy and something will seem a little interesting if I just try.

I also play puzzle games on Yahoo. I play one regularly so that I can judge my mental state by how well or poorly I do. It's like taking my "mental" temperature.

I also lean on my friends here in ways they do not know. If I can help someone, the very act of being there for them makes me feel like I actually have something to offer the world.

I also have a very close friend who loves me no matter what, in whom I can confide. I found that person here and I know there are many, many people here will love and support me. That helps most of all.

I hope this helps and if you need to ask me anything, feel free.

January