I'm writing this post cuz something Anglegirl said in another post got me a little curious.
I know for me and my depression it started at a very early age. Before I even knew it was starting. My childhood. Nobody to hold me or love me or kiss me. To me, that became the norm. Then in my teenage years, being used to no attention I sought attention in very destructive ways. Drinking, drugs, sex, cutting, suspension from school, running away, stealing cars, and whatever else I could get myself into. After the birth of my first child at age 17, I straigtened up a little but still continued with the pot smoking and drinking. I was married so sex was with my hubby only. Before I knew it, I had two childre, an ex husband and I was completly alone. This was normal for me however, so I dont think I was much phased by this. I met my current husband shortly after that and we had our son. Suring this period, I was happy, or so I thought I was. One day, something happended. DEPRESSION. It hit me like a ton of bricks. At first I think I tried to blame the usual things like, work, busy home life, what ever else I could pin it on. I also lossed my Uncle and Grandmother during this period so I contributed alot or my depression to this as well which is understandable. However, going to therapy and being on my meds is me the gift of clearer thought. I have thought long and hard about what depression is. It's chemical. I know this. But there are contributing factors. After intense soul searching, I have come to the realization that I do not know myself. At all. I never have. I dont think I ever really wanted to either. I dont know my likes or dislikes. Yeah, I like music, that I do know. But other things like, what kind of person am I? What convictions do I have? What do I stand for? Why do I look in the mirror and hate what I see? Why am I fat? Why am I ugly? Why are my lips big? Why do I hate myself so much?
This is where AG got to me in her post. How do we go about likeing ourself? To me, I describe it as starting a relationship, a long term one because essentailly thats what it is. It's a hard thing to look at. Where do I start? What steps can I take to love me. I mean really love me. Not just being able to deal with myself but to really really love myself. I think it is impotant to love ones self to overcome depression. If we only get to the point that we can deal with ourself then we are setting ourself up for future relapse.
AG, asked me what do I do to love me. Well I can say, I dont love me right now. This is something I recently have discovered with in myself. So, I dont know how to love me yet. I have tried siting on my sink in my bathroom and saying 3-5 positive things about myself weather I truely beleive it or not. But, I want to truely beleive it. So there is my question. How do you begin to love yourself? After years of hating yourself, is it possible to love yourself. I beleive the answr is yes. We can. But how? What are the steps to take to get there? This is a hard question I know. I wish i had the answer. But I dont so I am leaning on you my friends for help once again.
Thank you for your continued support and love.