feel selfish

I'm not sleeping... when I do have the odd hour it's full of very disturbing nightmares or nightmares of John
I can't eat ... loosing way too much weight I was only slight and small to begin with and even then slightly underweight... I dread to think what's gonna happen and I'm doing my best to eat... just can't
Constantly panicking
Throwing up and constantly feeling sick
I'm not meant to be able to have periods because of the pill I'm on, but my body's that much of a mess I'm in agony (I'm on this pill because I had continuous BAAAD pains and problems that they never came to a conclusion on)
So lonely!!!! have my mum now, only my mum... and she's had to leave work on sick to watch over me 'cause I'm too much of a risk says the docs (they're never ever ever putting me in hospital, I won't go... the hospital I'd be put in that's near me is not a nice place and even a social worker I know said it'd do me more harm than good) *guilty*

I'm a mess...
I want to hate him for doing this to me, but I can't and I've had texts from him begging me to talk to him... how can I be friends with him when I love him so so much. He's destroyed me. I was doing so so well, had good relationship with him and he does this and in the cruelest way possible.. I'm being dangled by a string my mum says... he wants to be friends. I don't want him out of my life, but I can't be friends with him when I want more than that.... but he's taken my best friend away from me I can't bare not talking to him anymore... I hate what he's done to me. But I can't hate him.

I'm alive... but I'm not living... in fact I'd argue with the fact that I am alive

........yet another rant from me I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry.