Steppalee, the lure of the promised euphoria drugs can potentially give us is powerful, consuming and wicked. But, I have often been disappointed and let down by the promise that the high will be "perfect." What ruins it for me is that even while I am super high, I can't enjoy it because I am already obsessively thinking about how I am going to get my next high.

And, yeah, I won't lie, sometimes drugs do feel so damn good that the risk of taking them almost seems worth it. ALMOST! I don't know about you, but I am pretty sure that my addiction was trying to not only destroy my life, but it was trying to kill me in whatever way it could--heart attack from overdose or murdered by some other drug addict for my pocket change or whatever.

Drugs make many empty promises about making me feel good, and sometimes they sorta follow through with a brief euphoria, but the only thing I am absolutely certain drugs ALWAYS have to offer me is ultimate despair and my eventual death.

I did not use H, I was into crack. So, I can only somewhat relate to your feelings. I know how incredibly all consuming cravings can be and how desperate they can sometimes make us feel. I know that no matter how bad my cravings get that I will always survive them and they will eventually ease up--sometimes it seems like they are going to last forever and they will drive me insane if I don't use. But so far, I have lived through all of them and they have not caused me to go insane.

In the battle to stay clean it seems like the drugs have an unfair advantage over us--they have all the power and nothing to lose. They can hit us physically hard and fast or they can come on slowly through tantalizing fantasies that continually play out in our minds.

I swear, sometimes it seems like there is no peace from my addiction. There are times that it seems like it just never lets up. Getting high is all I can think about and the drug using fantasies make me feel like I am going through physical withdrawal.

But, I am absolutely certain that I definitely want to stay clean and I am completely capable of resisting/managing the cravings. No matter what that nasty, lying addiction promises me, I know that remaining clean is my only chance at staying alive and maybe even being happy.

Steppalee, do whatever you need to do to stay clean. Keep fighting the cravings. Counter the seducing drug using fantasies with the realities of addiction and death.

You sound like you understand addiction and like you have been around recovery, so I hope none of my post offended you or made you feel like I was preaching at you. I don't mean any of it in that way. I think a part of me wrote this post so I could "hear" myself say it and reinforce my commitment to recovery.

I needed to write this reply to your post because even though I really do firmly believe all of what I wrote, sometimes I have to remind my inner addict that I can stay clean and that drugs are nothing more than trouble. No matter how tempting the promise of the euphoria is, the only thing drugs absolutely guarantee me is suffering and eventual death.

Right now, I am battling my own cravings and it has helped me to write this out. So, Steppalee, thanks for sharing part of your struggles, you have helped me to stay clean for yet another day.