(((_sabby)))

Thanks for the hugs.

I would say a bit from column A, a bit from column B. My history goes a little something like this:

Born, taken away from mother immediatly.
Lived with bio grandmother till six months.
Taken away from bio grandmother and put into foster care
Adopted at fifteen months(into an abusive family)
Taken away from father at 12
lived with mother till age 14
taken away from mother
bounced around in foster care/group homes till age 17
Moved out and ran away at age 17, lived in a group home of my choice till 18 1/2.
Stormy relationships with some abusive partners for quie a while, left alot for less than savory reasons(cheated on, ect, left by partners in general)

So you can see, I have had a lot of it in my life.

I think your right about the self esteem thing. I could certainly do with more I think.I think it doesn't help that I am somewhat dependant on people now with the fibro, my back and not having a whole lot of friends where I am right now. Its a very small town and Ive been gone ten years so most of my friends have moved on to other places.

That makes sense to me, thats kind of why im trying to attack it now, because it sucks to constantly wonder when the ball is going to turn or whatnot. And i too beleive that we set ourselves up for failure.

It probably doesn't help that I have BPD as well, which the number one sign is abandonment issues. My last pdoc was less than encouraging when she said I'd probably always struggle somewhat with the BPD, but i could learn to cope better. Of course, I sabotaged after that and never came back to her because she got too close!

So at the same time I have abandonment issues, you know im sort of not doing anything to really create close relationships either. I mean its sort of like you say like i find something that will indicate its over before it even has time to grow ("oh, that must mean hes leaving me. I better get prepared") or whatnot.

I dont know if any of that made sense.