Who do I think I am kidding? I should have known better than to think I could actually be happy for good. So many things have been going on to keep my mood up, exercise, praise at work, time with my fiance... but it all came to a grinding halt this evening. My fiance and I had a silly little argument... he made a situation into a bigger deal than it actually was and I tried as hard as I could to hold myself together. I used my positive thoughts "He's just had a bad day at work and it isn't really my fault that he was in a bad mood" but it didn't work. I feel totally guilty again. I feel like everything is my fault and if I had just listened a little more or not done this everything would have been fine but now it isn't and I'm just a big dummy. All I could do was curl into a ball and cry. I couldn't speak or anything. I just layed there in a heap and cried for a really long time. He would leave me to myself and I would calm down but then he would come in to comfort me and the guilt and the tears came back. Even after the argument was long over I couldn't do anything. He tried to cheer me up by coaxing me into the living room. I tried to bring my quilt from my bed and he accused me of having a "security blanket"... Maybe it is, all I know is that I felt like I needed it. I cried for a bit more and then he held me. I felt better... He just held me for a long time and everything seem better, not great, not normal but better.. but then he had to go home. After he left I collapsed in front of the tv and didn't move until about five minutes ago. Nothing was on so I mindlessly watched qvc. I know I should go to bed but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. All I really want to do is curl back up into a ball and just stay there. I dont want to sleep, I don't want to watch tv, I don't want anything except to just not move.

Sorry this was so long.