Heya all,

Today I will be signing up for subsidized housing (they pay for you to live somewhere, albeit crappy, but still...). As you may or may not know, I have been very sick for many years and in and out of hospitals making it impossible to work. Through one of the hospitals that I went to, I am now in contact with a counseling center . They have a "supportive emplorment" program through which I have been able to get a temporary job just about a month and a half ago (as an office assistant in the very same building). My case worker, who is my fourth in the past few months and who I have met with only once, has suggested that I may be a candidate for "subsidized housing. I really, really, really want to move out of my parents' home. I love my parents and all, but I am 27 years old and it is time to become independent. Things just aren't going so well though. My caseworker... she doesn't know what's been going on in the past couple of weeks. For one thing, although I am at a so-called "healthy" weight, I feel as though my body is falling apart. I have gotten two infections in the past two weeks and need to go see the doctor yet *again*. What I'm most concerned about is my mental health (duh!) . My Anorexia has been picking up speed, and tonight I believe that I am going out of my mind. Man, this is hard for me to say... it's embarrassing ... Starting a couple of weeks ago, I began hearing "music" in my room. "Oldies" actually, and they are songs that I know. Sometimes there's talking, like a commercial on a radio station. I put my ears up to every single thing in the room, including the windows, to no avail. I invited people into my room when I was hearing this "music" and they can't hear it. Okay, so now I sleep with something covering my ears like my blanket rolled up or a pillow. After about an hour or so, it goes away. Over the past week, I've been doing and saying things that I don't remember later. I repeat myself a lot and have written posts on the computer that I don't remember writing. You know that post about the PEG tube thing? I remember *thinking* about it, but I don't remember ever writing it. I was surprised to see my name on the board yesterday when I signed on. I posted it all over the place to various boards that I don't even go to. I talk in my sleep, which is unusual because I'm kinda half awake when I do it. The other day I kept seeing "shadows" out of the corner of my eye. I told no one. I'm dumb at work and think no one likes me. No one will probably even reply to this post. I cry all the time at just about everything. Should I even be driving after all these things that have ocurred to me? I am terrified something "weird" will happen to me when I am on the road.

*takes a breath* I really want to move out on my own, but I'm not sure it's the best thing. My eating disorder says "yay!" to moving out alone because then I can do whatever I want. But really, I can't live in my parents' home forever. The good thing is that my parents and I have a meeting with my dietitian because they have become "concerned" with my eating. I don't know what else will come up

In conclusion (I think?) I hope you all don't think I'm nuts (well, I do...). I just don't know what to do. Let my parents in on all this stuff? I think they won't let me move out *ever* then, or they'll stick me in some institution, which I don't need.I just have this sick feeling that there is something "wrong" with me, and it's not just my Anorexia anymore.. I just want all this craziness to end.

Let me let you all go and I will try to get some sleep. Please give me hugs or encouragement or advice... please don't judge me...

Bjork