I'm not a romantic and I've never been a romantic so I admire your sense of being able to hold on the ideal of love as a child. I didn't see romance in my house. I saw Mom chasing Dad with an axe, a hammer, and various other sharp things during her off time from abusing me. I've never sat and dreamed of a fairy tale ending so I'm not really struggling with any disillusionment in my own life.

What I do struggle with is, in some ways, similar to your situation. I see all of the ways I'm still unable to thrive and I know that getting into a relationship right now would be a huge mistake because I'm not "fixed." On the flip side, I know I need support and a relationship could provide that and while I have no thoughts that it would "fix" me... it might offer me a reason to fix myself during the darkest days.

I don't have anything to offer except minor commiseration. I can't even offer you full empathy because I'm ok with being alone. I like being alone a lot. It's so much more peaceful than the way I spent the first 2/3 of my life that I enjoy the silence and the freedom. I enjoy only being responsible to myself at night... and my cats.

I have had relationships with men; 2 of which were long term and led to engagements but I ended one after 3 years and one after 2 years. I have no regrets. It was absolutely the right decision at the time as I was in my early 20's for one and mid 20's for both and am now almost 30 and just now feel responsible enough to take on lifelong comittment. So, I have been loved.... not just by those guys, by some really good people who were friends before I walked away. Love scares the pee out of me.... being loved scares the pee out of me. There's this pain that is the counter of love... and I feel like I'm so fragile that one more ounce of pain will shatter me into a billion pieces.

I'm rambling, sorry, I'm exhausted and I have to be up at 5 in the morning and I'm already stressed about the week ahead... sorry to take it out on your post.

Stay strong if you can... thanks for sharing.