we have allowed ourself to dig us into a deep hole while trying to deal with new memories that have suddenly surfaced. we really are trying not to dwell on them. but the more that the little movie camera in our head flashes the images and the sounds the more frustrated we become, which makes it harder to make them go away. it is a viscous circle. she dont want to be this selfish needy little person ishe dont even want to be this self because maybe someone inside was not onboard when the memory struck and he or she would not have this memory and then we would be okay......but were not far enuf along to know how to find that out or what we would do about it if we knew. if did is supposed to be such a great survival mechanism as T calls it then y does it hurt so bad? doing this therapy thing is definitely THE hardest thing i can recall having done in a long time. harder then we expected and likely to not get easier. we keep telling ourself that nothing wothwhile comes easy. that said, we have been seeing pdocs off and on since 13 years old mary is 45 they all tell u it gets easier but it never does. they have no problem slapping on new labels and telling u everything will be ok. it never is. T has no problem with directing conversation towards shakey ground and then leaving her to walk out her guts dragging on the ground. when old T telled us we are did, she was too gentle meaning she kept saying "this is a good thing. you can recover from this. it means you are really smart and creative. you are a survivor". rite now mary is thinking she should have walked out of therapy that day and said to the varmints with your pills and your treatment and your labels because here we sits almost 2 years later and symptoms only get worse, not gooder!( have been steady in therapy now fro about 4 and a half years) we understand that this is a slow difficult process but we do not have a clue what we are supposed to do with all the garbage that goes along with therapy, especially in between sessions. ( journalling is not very effective because it only seems to make the garbage more real, not less) we dont even understand what its gonna be like when the day arrives that we are told your therapy has been successful and is complete will we really feel any gooder? enuf to make this worth it? when we see a particularly challenging set of steps to climb, we know what the goal is.... the top of the steps.we have a pretty realistic idea of how difficult it will be to get to the top of the steps. we can make a reasonably level-headed decision about whether or not the 'goal' is worth the effort when were talking steps. all of this therapy and did-related stuff we cannot understand it is too new. we dont even know if we want to unerstand it because we have no previous experience to evin begin to compare it to in order to make it all make sense somehow. except the mental illness labels that have been pinned to her back for what seems like ever and we have never gotten 'well' from any of them half of them we have now been told were wrong. anyway back to the rembemberies what does her supposed to do with them .. well not that exactly more like how do we make them go away? for crying out loud we dont even know what the right questions is to ask. "here we go round the mulberry bush" indeed!
anyway for anyone who actually has the patience to read thru this and it makes sense.....we're all (frostbitten) ears plllllllllleeeassssssssseeee

beadlady