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like you onlymedid, my views on sex are very messed up by abuse of various kinds.
ive been married 28 years and feel sunrise had great advice.
my spouse said to me once, when we got into a discussion on intimacy "men see sex as their way of saying they love us". this of course drives me nuts after my upbringing of incest and other abuses. so he feels when he is initiating sex he is saying "i love you by being intimate".
however, i would "feel" more loved if he would cuddle me or rub my back without anything coming after that but sleep!
i know, i know, dream on! rats!!! i never got cuddles that were just affection. i either never got cuddles period or i only got touched as prelude to sex from a very early age.
everything i ever read said "communication is the big deal". keep talking to each other and it really will help to check with each other and see "if what you heard was really what they meant" and see if they heard what you said the way you really meant to communicate.
sadly, bottom line is that most men equate sex with love and with respect for them. if you say no, men usually take it personal unless you confirm that they are secure enough to NOT equate your acceptance of their sexual overtures as the measure of your love for them.
i truly hope to become healed enough to finally discover the joy of intimate sex with my mate, but right now i can comply in sex without flashbacks but feel like i could go a LONG time before i miss sex.
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