Silent, I am sorry that you have so much shame. Shame is a huge burden to carry and I think that it gets in the way of getting better. Shame doesn't help you be gentle with yourself, it makes you hate yourself. Shame doesn't help you look at what it going on, it makes you run. To get better you need to love yourself and be able to look at what is going on, not run from it. I don't think that you are bad because you hurt yourself. I see you as someone who is really hurting and can't see any other way of feeling better.