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Originally Posted by multipixie9
however, i would "feel" more loved if he would cuddle me or rub my back without anything coming after that but sleep!
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Maybe you need to tell him that you feel that way. Does he know what you need? My BF didn't know that I wanted that until I told him. He told me that he wasn't psychic and he needs me to tell him what I like.
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i know, i know, dream on! rats!!! i never got cuddles that were just affection. i either never got cuddles period or i only got touched as prelude to sex from a very early age.
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I never had affectionate cuddles unless it was a prelude to something, too. It is hard because I want to be able to be with my BF without feeling like he is just cuddling or caressing my hair or talking sexy to "get some". I told him that I hate that every time we cuddle or become intimate in any way, it always leads to sex. I would just like it to be cuddling!
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everything i ever read said "communication is the big deal". keep talking to each other and it really will help to check with each other and see "if what you heard was really what they meant" and see if they heard what you said the way you really meant to communicate.
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I try so hard to realize that what he said may have not been what he meant, but sometimes I slip up and go into having conversations inside my head and it feels like I am really having the convo with him. It's weird, it's like I am having the convo with him in my head and going over every possible scenario. Sometimes, after thinking to myself, I will be talking to him and say something like, "you said this" and he says, "no I didn't" and I realize that it was all made up in my mind. So, I am working on this one!
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sadly, bottom line is that most men equate sex with love and with respect for them. if you say no, men usually take it personal unless you confirm that they are secure enough to NOT equate your acceptance of their sexual overtures as the measure of your love for them.
i truly hope to become healed enough to finally discover the joy of intimate sex with my mate, but right now i can comply in sex without flashbacks but feel like i could go a LONG time before i miss sex.
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Yeah, I know. I wish that sex was not even a part of relationship health. Like, sex was just something you do when you want to have a baby, but that is the only time you have to do it. I told my BF that I don't think I would ever miss it. He said, "never?" and I told him, "well....maybe sometime, but I went without for 5 years and didn't miss it". He couldn't fathom it!
I guess it is now just up to time and communication to see where things go from here. I told him we could make a schedule once a week so that I KNOW when he is going to want to do something, but decided that just sounds silly.
He is now leaving it up to me to initiate if I want to do something, but him approaching me is not out of the question completely as I told him, "If you leave it up to me, I won't approach you!" So, we are now taking it slowly.
Thanks for all the ideas, help, input and caring. It helps so much.
BJ