I don't usually post about my own crap because it would be like listening to the same song over and over again since I cycle like the wind. But why not just this once? I guess it's obvious that my whole world came crashing down around me. I knew the high wouldn't last. I just freakin knew it. Now all those changes I want to make in my life seem impossible now. They're not but I can't think about them right now cause it makes me feel even more helpless and hopeless. Where did my sunshine go? Who stole it cause i want it back right now. I know this will pass, but it never seems to come soon enough. I'm trying so hard not to fight it cause that only makes it worse for me. I guess that I should start with my ferrets. I can't care for them any more. I haven't been able to in weeks. They deserve a home where they get the constant attention they deserve... not just when I feel I can. Their cage needs to be cleaned. Their nails need to be clipped. They all need baths. I've been trying to get it done for days now but no matter what mood I'm in, I just can't get it done cause I'm either too high in the clouds to focus on it or too far down to do anything about it. I don't have any friends to help me with them and it's not fair to them to leave them at the shelter until I'm "better" because that's never gonna happen. I'll take them back and be ok for a while... maybe even a few months but then I'll slip again. They deserve a stable home and at this point I can't give them that. I see their furry little faces staring at me from inside their cage. They're all so sad right now. They look at me as if they'd give anything to understand but just can't. I can't let them live this way. I was already down when I came to this conclusion and the truth certainly doesn't help. And I've also found out that my ex has moved on. Yep... she's moved on. Found out this morning. She SOOOO wasn't trying to hurt me and I could tell that she felt HORRIBLE in telling me, but she felt that I deserved to know the truth. And I guess after 3 months I should have expected this. But with her living here with me, it makes it kinda hard to move on. And besides, I'm alone here and I have no one to move on with so what's the point in even trying... especially since I'm moving back home? I should be happy for her because she deserves to be happy but it just hurts all that much more. I told her that I thought it was time for her to leave. She really wants to stay with me and make sure I'm safe until I can get home. She doesn't think I'll make it until then if I'm completely alone. How can I let her do that? I mean, she's only thinking of me because she still cares about me as a friend, but maybe she's just offering because she feels guilty about moving on before I did. Either way, it sucks. The thing is as much as it hurts, I don't think I'll make it that long alone either. So maybe I just have to take what I can get... but which would be worse? I just don't know. I hate myself and the mess I've created. I'm in so much pain that I want to lash out at anything and everything... I wanna tear down the walls. I've ruined everything so far... why not ruin everything else? I hope this passes soon because it's pure torture. Why did these things have to happen while I was already down? I thought I was at the bottom but I was so wrong. I should have known that there's never a bottom. It can always get worse... just like it can always get better. Where's my strength right now? Where's that will to not give up? I feel like shutting myself away from the world right now. Like hiding for the rest of my life.

Ry