My phone kept ringing and ringing and ignored it as I was on the toilet. It was my BF, I guess "catching" me not at school- or at least on my way. He was angry and said "you get to school as soon as you can and call me from there for this is the last time you hear from me!"

I wandered in a daze - trying so hard not to disassociate- crying, the rain and wind and leaves hitting me... they felt great. For fifteen minutes or more I walked my usual path. But the thing was, the class was over by the time I got there. I still called. Then I just wandered. I finally walked home and got in the car and went and had something to eat. j

Now he's sending me messages and "hugs" through txt msg. He said he didn't want to date someone like me it I didn't go to school. My mind is still where it was- except its interested in other things. I don't understand it myself. What with my SW yesterday basically blowing off my feelings.

I see my Pdoc today thank god. I think she's the only one I trust with how I feel and what I really think. And my kids are the only ones who truely love me. They are what keep me going.

I can't take "I'll break up with you if you don't..." As if he is perfect. Threatening doesn't work. It upset me more. All I want is to revel in the hyper reality of life- the rain, the wind, the cold, the wet, the colors.....