getting rid of the alcoholic & abusive father & dysfunctional family is more difficult than i thought...

i can't write much. i'm moving out now with my partner. we've been carrying heavy furniture a lot. i don't want to eat. i'm cutting again. i have real bad drug & alcohol cravings. partner says it's not good for me, but who is he to say when he is drinking himself? even the smell of alcohol makes me panic.

sigh.... i should stop making this crap up, it sounds like he's ill-treating me. he tries to be good to me, but he can't read my mind and i can't speak up.

we've been talking about our relationship a lot lately and our last discussion ended with him saying "i hope there is nothing else to make this relationship difficult" but more and more things keep popping into mind. i can't speak up because i don't want to be the nagging girlfriend. i nag enugh and i'm mean to him. (snap & things)

(ie. i keep imagining he will bring his friends to our house and they will go on alcohol&/drug binges and i will have to crouch in the corner and try not to attract attention and try to ignore it like i always have to when dad is drunk)

been switching too... try to keep pretending i know what i'm doing, that everything's ok, it's just that i'm forgetful. (i'm that too, sometimes, so it's not really a lie)

eugh... i will try more later... i'm just in a tough place so i apologize for not being here to support you guys. i promise i will return to do that when the circumstances get favourable.


twilight