Hi Junerain

Thank you very much for your reply

We have had several discussions in the past month since I last posted. The good part is that he's finally agreed to see a therapist. The hard part is I'm not sure where to go from here...and being a very cheerful, open girl I find it very hard to comprehend his problem

His trouble with sex, I doubt is a plumbing issue. We both think it is in the head (it always feels like he is just "going through the motions", rather than desiring me sexually).

His issue is that he has disassociated love and "passion", or "intimacy", and fears that our relationship will go terribly wrong if he gets more passionate or "loses control" of his inhibitions. He is not very open about his past relationships, but I do know he had a party-boy past (before he turned celibate the past few years), and sexual relationships where he hurt the other party, and as a result associates sex with a lot of guilt and negative feelings.

In a way I wonder if I'm his "penance" - a steady, warm relationship he has done his best to cultivate and redeem himself. And he is an angel - very devoted and caring. He says he feels frustrated too because he has done his best but that's not enough. And talking about the elephant in the room (lack of sexual intimacy) makes the elephant seem larger than it might be. In a way, his problems with intimacy are also probably because he is afraid to lose self-control.

Slight diversion here, but I always thought that I would be the one to be sexually traumatised, because I was "date-raped" in college (non-consensual sex with a guy I was dating) several years back. It did cause me to be wary about sex in relationships, but I seem to have gotten over it (I think), while my boyfriend seems to have a much more serious problem.

Well, long story short, we are going to seek therapy. Problem is, I'm not sure how. I don't live in the U.S. and psychology treatment is not very advanced here. I have found some U.S. trained psychologists based here from the internet. Any advice on choosing a good therapist, and what to expect? And how we can try to introduce "passion" into the relationship without ruining it?