I was in a store dressing room this morning trying on pants.
(All the ones I currently have are too big now.)
I was shocked to look in the mirror and see myself.

I am disgusting.
I have lost so much weight - it is not attractive.
My husband said he won't touch me again until I gain 10 lbs.
He is begging me to gain weight.

But I'm so foolish and stupid -- why do I want to lose 5 more lbs?
I know I am unhealthy, I know I am too thin, I know I look awful.
Where it this obsession coming from!!!!
And why can't I control it.

Don't know why I'm even posting this, as usual.....just venting maybe.
I wonder sometimes if anyone else is in the same place as me. I am not starving to be skinny, I am starving to control, to SI, to look as bad on the outside as I feel on the inside?? IDK. It is just one of those days that this feels hopeless.