Hi, please don't get mad for what I am going to say and if it don't fit throw it away. It sounds like to me you are living a lie. You have to be true to self. In the end that is all you got. Itreally sounds like you are having to work really hard to make the realationship work. If you are, you shouldn't. If you are fighting to stay sober and he does it in front of your face,that is no respect. I read between your lines and I maybe off base, I hope so, if not get another one.