I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was molested by my father from the time I was six until I was sixteen years old.

Today I am 44 years old and ten years is a long time. I have been to counseling on and off over the years but I still have issues and I still hurt. My father was never prosecuted and even today lives with my mother. My only satisfaction is that now he is paralyzed due to an accident, dementia, and several other major health issues. He barely knows whats going on and is confined to bed.

This may sound awful but I'm actually glad he's so sick. I feel like my father died and some strange guy took his place. Most of my immediate family knows what happened but this is never acknowledged. My mother apologized when I was younger but is defensive so we don't talk about it.

My counselor told me once that my mother knew what was going on the whole time because ten years is too long not to know. My mother admits this but claims because our family is large she could not afford to raise us alone. I guess I was the sacrifice.

I have never had any close friends. I used to tell my mom everything you would tell a girlfriend and she would tell everyone else. Anytime I try to get close to someone my mom interferes.

For example:

If a relative comes to town from out of state. She will not call me. Afterward, she will tell me how I missed out and how I should have been there, and how they asked about me.

She will take credit for gifts I give or call me to ask what I will buy for a gift and buy it first or get something similar but more expensive.

She will drive out of town to pick up grandchildren but she will not come to see my son who lives five miles away.

Even if I pay her she will not commit to babysitting my son. She will say yes but wait until the same day and sometimes cancel. My brothers will drop off their children without notice and there is no problem. As a result I rarely ask her to sit.

I could name a million other incidents but this last one really hurt.

I am taking classes to earn a professional license. Financially I am struggling but saved some money so I can go to school full time for one semester. My father is in poor health and my mother has loaned money and spent so much that financially she is also juggling to make ends meet. My mother started calling me to say she needed money very badly and was worried how to pay her bills. Finally, I told her if I could help by moving out from my apartment and stay with her. We could combine expenses and I pay her rent and utilities. I told her I was thinking of moving anyway and we could both benefit. I called her several times to verify if she wanted to do this because I was going to put in my 30 day notice. We even discussed the amount of rent, etc. A week after I put in my 30 day notice, she says another family member is moving in with his wife. Now I have lost my apartment and have only a few weeks to find something else.

I feel like an idiot. I'm so angry but arguing with her about it is useless. I think this time I've finally learned to stop relying on her to be honest but it hurts anyway.

Thanks for letting me vent