Where to start? Yesterday waas the first half of the bipolar study. It took from 1 to 5 p.m. I just filled out a consent form, got my weight and blood taken and the rest was questions! They just asked them and then circled numbers that meant yes, no, or don't know. (There might have been a maybe, too.) She asked everything under the sun. They said it would all be anon. with my code number, except on the actual answer booklet, they had my name. I'm to do a spit test morning and evening for a few days and send it back.

I'm also grumpy, btw, that my weight its very near what it was before I lost weight several years back, so now I've gained 30 pounds since going on depakote. It does NOT add to my cheerfulness!

So, right as I was about to go into this, my BF is text messaging me about he doesn't think I'm bipolar. Eventually I had to turn the phone off during the interview, of course. When I turned it on again, I had five txts from him. Then he called me maybe 20 minutes later when I was nearly home, but had pulled into a parking lot, and just went on and on about how he knows all about bipolar, his first wife was, he is sure I'm not bipolar, just lots of stress, and etc. So of course, I said I was upset that he said that because I've been going to therapy for bp for two years now (he insisted it must've been only a year) and so what does that mean- joking that dr's have a conspiracy to diagnose people when they're not. He said he thinks I'd be HAPPY that someone thinks I'm not sick. "I personally don't think you need them [meds]," he said. "You just need to see hope and personal progress in your life. I don't think you're bipolar." Then he said, "And did you feel that you were bipolar, say, 5 years ago or were you ever seriously accused of being bipolar then?" We went round and round that I wasn't diagnosed until 2 years ago and yet I'd had some symptoms.

THEN we had some dinner and he- more calmly and nicely- said that he, too, hears voices talking to him. Not in his head, but as if they were in the same room. I said "So do you think they are ghosts or other people or who is it that is talking?" "God" he says. Geeze. I guess you'd have to know him that he doesn't seem the type to say "God told me to do this and ..." It doesn't seem weird or strange that way. He just happens to be Christian Scientist and I am not sure if what he means by a loud thought- like this sounds like to ME- and actually hearing voices like I have. He also told me that one day he was looking at the number 20 on a pieces of paper and saw it "change into a 10 as I was looking at it". Unfortunately, it wasn't the other way around, or I'd have him look at my money.

Part of the questionaire was two pages on hyperactivity distracted distorder... dang it. Can't remember the name. Grr! Anyway, I had to think twice for each one whether or not it applied to me before the age of 13- the question was worded that way- because everything my brain light went "yes!" when I really recognize it from NOW with my kids! I don't think, however, I'd label them adhd. I just think they're normal kids- maybe a lot like me which is why I don't notice!- a lot like me, but I was not what these questions were asking if I was. Just creative, a "kinesthetic learner" and really loving the world. now that is a spectrum on mental disorder??? ARG. Made me think, "Maybe this is a gimmick... having a mood disorder".

I asked my 9-year-old if she still had ghosts in her room from kindergarten and first grade and she said "That was a figment of my imagination." So I asked if she was sure because it sounds like she didn't want to admit to it now. She said she was scared at first, then wasn't, but now is scared again. Of the ghosts talking. She used to talk about it a lot in kindergarten and first grade. One of the school aids even told me from K that one day she and N were sitting in the lunchroom talking and N said, "There's someone behind you." This was during her big "ghosts" phase. The woman didn't know it, though. So the woman says, "Oh? Who is it?" "You're dad..." N says. The woman then said to me in a kind-of-freaked-out way, "My dad had just died not long before!"

So it all is weird to me. When my BF gets like yesterday, I just want to break up with him because the conversation gets so side tracked into Confused Land and I am crying and he says "You're not CRYING!!" But after we had dinner, we had a nice conversation during, and after, we went to a sporting store and looked around and then to his place and watched "Smallville" and had a little one-on-one time. Endorphines are always good to clear the mind.

oh- and there's a contest for "Fall Color" in the local paper- pictures. I took some of a nice orange tree this morning in the sun. I have to pick the best one to send.

Oh and back to issues... My schooling: I just can't seem to keep it together and nobody will entertain this subject except my BF who just says I must go to class. My social worker gives me these "looks" and fills out schedules for me. I get overwhelmed and want to quit. Since I went over practically my whole life- even timlining my hallucinations, moods, meds, etc- in the study last night, I KNOW I started just not doing school work and failing classes in high school. Teachers said I was smart and such but why didn't I do the work? And now... 20 years later.... its the same! I am intelligent, but SOMEthing gets going in me and I can't face class. I can't face getting behind. I feel embarassed or ashamed so I don't go because I fear being "called out" by the teacher. (Hi... you weren't here.... here's your failing grade or such-and-such...) Then what do I feel? GUILT of course!

So this is long enough. I got up early and took my kids to get a donut this morning before dropping them at school. They enjoyed being up just before and just at dawn with me.