Moonkin,

I hear your pain. If you feel suicidal go to the emergency room. It is important to keep yourself safe.

However, I think that you need to discuss with your T therapy boundaries. It feels to me that you are setting yourself up for a let down if she is not available when you go there. Therapists usually do not allow their clients to show up at their office without an appointment. If you feel you need more time with her, schedule an extra session. Part of therapy is to learn to separate and continue to feel attached.