thursday before last at my T's office i remembered the worst memory of ritual abuse i've had. something hideous. i've been dealing with it. this week when i went to T's something really good happened. i realized this abuse incident explained why all hope died in me at age 9. i literally never dreamed/hoped again - just survived day to day. the abusers programmed me to be driven to achieve and with a conflicting program to panic and fail.they regularly programmed me with double bind, no win opposing commands and i've felt tortured for 46 year by this and these last two years i've slowed down to a crawl and then to a stop. i've not been able to do things i need to do at all, even simple housework. it's felt horrible for a long time inside where no one but me and my alts could see/feel this.
At my time with my T, carolyn God helped me see the pattern of self-destructive programming and begin to take it apart where i can actually learn how to dream, have a goal and make a way to achieve it without conflicting demands undermining my every effort.
i know we try to be careful about speaking of God here because some like me were abused by people who claimed God was in on the abuse, but i couldn't explain how things happened for me this week without mentioning his help. my ritualistic abusers claimed that God was there abusing me with them and all sorts of sadistic cruelties - which was a totally heinous lie! if it were not for God i would have died in my teens from the abuse.
you've all been kind and supportive of me and i wanted to share the good news when it came. i will have to learn some new things and change some but this truly seems to be the start of something wonderful in my life. thanks for all your support!!!
leslie and her pixies
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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