I always try to stay positive, but this BP thing is kicking my behind today! I am so ANGRY and it is so hard to figure out how much of it is just screwed up me and how much is really BP. I am so sick and tired of this that I just want to rest, but I CAN"T! I feel like the only time I am calm is if I take Ativan, and I am trying to kick it. I feel like my husband is over me. He is just in horrible denial and doesn't want to deal with it anymore.
The desire to cut is overwhelming, but I am trying so hard not to give in. I hate that I get like this and can't seem to control it.
I feel like no one understands (at least the people that are in my life) and everyone just kind of whispers and smiles. Sure, maybe I'm paranoid, but you guys know how it is. I just feel like telling people to go screw themselves or something b/c I don't want to be vulnerable anymore. I am tired of people leaving and dying.
And the side effects from the meds....well, I am afraid to say anything to my pdoc for fear that they'll try yet again something new. You know how they tell you to 'let your system get used to it', well, I'm tired of it. Yeah, I know I'm on my own little pity party wagon with plenty to share, but I just don't feel like talking about it anymore and it's easy to vent here.
I am on 120 mg of Geodon and 100 mg of Lamictal (which the pdoc plans to keep moving me to 200). I have blurry vision and it feels like my jaw needs some WD40!!!! Should I stick it out? I hate calling the pdoc with complaints about meds, but of course my all knowing husband thinks I should call. Easy for him!
I have these ideas that the medicine is just making me worse, so I should just stop, but I've been down that road MANY times and I know the result is always the same. It's just so hard to stick it out! I KNOW I have to, but it sucks. Sorry for the long vent.