Jigglypuff, this may be small comfort, but you are certainly not alone. I have known several people in your situation...and if it gives you any hope at all, one of them, who had given up on ever having love, just got engaged at 39.

One thing that concerns me is that you describe a lot of symptoms of depression. It may be a big help to seek therapy to deal with that...after all, it is much harder to meet and to attract people when you are depressed. Also, while your goal may be to meet someone you can love and be loved by in return, there is no reason for you to be miserable until that happens, and therapy can help with that. By the way, even though your female friends are not romantic attachments, treasure them...you may find that in the end, they are more valuable than you realized.

On a more practical side, the only way to find someone to love is to meet as many people as possible. Have you ever mentioned to your female friends that you are looking for someone to date? I know many women love nothing better than to fix up their single male friends. My other general philosophy when it comes to meeting new people is "join a club. take a class"...look into local adult education classes, go to lectures at the library, join a group that has similar interests...you might not meet Miss Right the first time, but everything you do to increase your sphere helps your chances. Again, I know all of these things are very difficult when you are depressed, so I go back to the issue of therapy.

And keep talking here...we are a supportive group, and many of us have been in situations very similar to yours, so we can offer you empathy that you may not find elsewhere.

On the matter that you do not want to discuss, it is ok for you to not talk about something that makes you feel uncomfortable, but we have all seen a lot, so we'd like to help if you can find a way to talk about it. Feel free to PM or e-mail me if you'd like to discuss it in private (my e-mail address is in my profile).

Good luck, and take care of yourself.
*hugs*
mj