Quote:
Originally Posted by ncguynva
I realize that abuse does not have to be physical and I cant live with myself being labeled an abuser....i hate that word.....I told her to stay away from abusers.....it does not make me feel good.
yes she was saying that me telling her that if she will not act like a wife (keep going out with guys i dont know), then I will cut the money I am giving her down to what she rates. She said it is controlling her, but then my question is alot of places say that the one that cheated should call when coming home from work....open up email passwords to their spouse....phone records/text messages....basically no privacy and everything open....is that abuse?
for instance....i am giving her 1500 a month....they are over paying me bc somebody did not put in her new address....i said i would give her that much so i am giving her that much.....she only rates half of what the marine corps gives me for housing.....which would be half of what the military says housing costs in that area.....i could only give her 500 dollars a month and be safe....but i give her 3 times as much bc she said she is wanting to work this out....but wouldn't stop seeing guys i dont know (and obviously not comfortable with)
Why would the therapist say that my actions listed above (not the drunken phone calls where I yell) are abusive or have abusive characteristics?
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I don't know about whether it's "abuse", any more than her dating other people is abusive to you. But both are negative, unhelpful behaviors, as is regular yelling. You seem like a self-aware, good-hearted person and the following is just my opinion.
I do think withholding money based on your judgment of her conduct is manipulative / controlling, especially if she is dependent on you. (Whether she should or shouldn't be is a separate issue.)
Also, it's not reasonable for you to demand that she not spend time with people you don't know, male or female, especially when you are so far away, or to assume that if she does she will have another affair. That really IS controlling.
I also disagree with the advice that if one spouse has an affair they should give up all their privacy. I just don't see how that could work. There would be too much resentment. Everyone needs some privacy, even if married. If one person has an affair, you should try and work out the reasons why together. There's nothing to be gained by making them serve some kind of sentence. It doesn't matter whether or not it should be labeled "abuse".
Again I am not defending her or judging you just saying I am sure the situation is hard on you both.
If you don't trust her, divorce her and handle the finances with grace. If you do trust her, act like it and try to talk honestly and calmly about what you both feel. If you're not sure, pick the option that sounds more appealing.