I can't work and I have been trying to get disability for the last year or so. The only money I had coming in was from DHS (Department of Human Resources). They recently cut me off from food stamps and cash assist for failure to keep an appointment I was not notified of either by mail or phone. Guess I was supposed to just know the day and time and the subject of the appointment. While all I was getting was 400 a month, not even close to being at poverty level, and any money I did make up to 400 I would have had to give to DHS, it was something at any rate.

I have pretty much exhausted the community services locally, they either ran out of money or I am on a waiting list of at least a year or more. It appears that males are some home on the bottom of the pile regardless of needs. Perhaps I am being a bit sarcastic on this one, but it is the way it makes me feel.

Been the medications and the stress and deep deep depression and the effects of the meds for panic attacks, which I get alot of now, I have problems remembers things and filling out forms. Though I have never given up on any over it, it just takes me a long long time to get anything done it seems.

In Michigan the economy is so bad , the jobless rate is so high none of this surprises me at all. Especially where I live, which is just across the border from canada, it would take me 30 minutues if I put me mind to it to walk there.

While getting the summons was not unexpected, I realized it was only a matter of time, but actually getting it and realizing that the count down timer is now ticking tends to put me in to a panic and depresses the diddle out of me. I do have a couple of options:

1) go to a Vet Home - if I qualifiy for it that is. However the homeless vet coordinator at the Va. seems to think I qualify, not ideal more of a group home, no privacy, people around me all the time.

2) my Dad has talked about buying some property or renting some place for me until such a time my disability kicks in. More of an ideal situation, but feel guilty is all hell that my dad (almost 80 now) has to take care of his oldest, I will turn 50 next month. In my mind i should be in a position to take care of him, not the other way around.

3) I could always go down to Texas to my girl friends. WE have been discussing this fact, and actually day before yesterday she said she was more then ready for me to be down there. While I will eventually end up there anyways the most ideal situation. However as I told her, I would hate to go be there empty handed. Puting her under more financial stress because my disability hasn't been approved yet. As my Dad says I have this macho thing going on, but it is the way he raised me lol.

On top of all that, I found out yesterday from the person that served me, my lawyer ( for diability) is semi retired, which explains partly why he is not doing what he should be doing. Other then that fact the long it drags out the more money he will get, which is %25 of my back pay.

When discussing alot of this yesterday with my pdoc, this was before I got the summons to court, he told me why are you still here and not in Texas, it is not that you have anything to lose anyways.

It just seems I have so many things coming at me all at once, the IRS and the state and the eviction and my son and and and and, I can't keep my mind on just one thing. it is all high priority, so I end up chasing my tail like some dog. And when I get to a point, which is alot lately, and I am upset and pissed as all get out, people look at me as if I do not have any right to do so.

I don't even fully understand why I am the way I am. Though after a discussion with my Dad he tells me mom was extremely depressed and angery most of her life. I may have been abused as in gotten beat my mom ( all I remember was her hitting me with what ever was close, but figured that was the way it was). A lot of people on my Moms side suffered from some type of mental thing whether it was depression or something else. so I can see why but I don't either.

I have always all my life been able to over come and adapt and move forward and over come anything that was in my way, any situation. And now I seem almost imcapable of even keeping my house clean, which in its self puts me into a panic attack. Not to mention my step son who has touretts, that lives like a pig in slop and who when I try to get him to help wants to beat the living day lights out of me. And even though he is not my bio. son I feel guilty for not getting to him sooner and now realizing Iwill never be able to help him over come and be come a man that will make a good husband or what ever.

And now last night, I got up to go to the bathroom. and woke up to find myself on the hallway floor all hot faced and breathing hard. I am assuming the stress got me there.

Shoot don't knw

sorry rambles, to much info