You have so much going on, so many issues that are hard. I still stand by my initial comment that I don't believe it's abuse. You aren't not giving her any money. If I remember right, the military won't let you do that. I think it's great that you have a lot of different opinions here, I hope you are able to sift through and take what you need and leave the rest. It is such a hard situation for you to be in and obviously ultimately only you and wife know whether you are able to work through this. One thing to remember is that you two got married for a reason. Don't forget about that love. Even if you do get divorced, try to hold on to the good memories, too. It's bad when you look back on a relationship and are so hurt you can't see the happiness that was there and be thankful for it.