I've been in a moderate-ish depression for a little over a month now, and in about the last week or two I've been feeling really... weird. I've been through the general episode of depression before, and generally this would be the part where I'd be slipping slowly downhill, into the deep dark pit, which I would stay in for a few weeks to a few months, re-emerging by December-ish if I'm lucky, sometime next semester if I'm not. But I don't seem to be slipping any farther. Don't get me wrong--I don't want to. And this state isn't exactly pleasant either.

I've been thinking about suicide a lot... don't worry, no plans ... more than I usually do. But I also have "good days." I'm not exactly happy, but I have these bursts... an afternoon, a weekend... where I make all these plans, I get a little hope for the future...but it's not all good, exactly, because it's rather overwhelming, and even though I think I feel happier, I actually seem to be more irritable around other people. I'm used to some days worse than others, but this is different. How can I be making plans for the future one minute, completely sincerely, and contemplating how much I'd like to die the next? I've been struggling with this depression thing for a long time now, but there are very few other times where I have felt so literally insane. I'm so out of control. I don't know how I'm feeling NOW, much less how I'll feel in an hour or a day or a week. I'm fighting with my boyfriend all the time, and it is driving me more crazy than it normally does that he just doesn't get how hard this is. Can't he see I'm losing my mind?

I explained this to my therapist wednesday, but she didn't explain it in any way, she just set us a new appointment a week away instead of two and suggested I see my psychiatrist about a med switch.

But I just want to know what the hell is happening to me. Nothing objective in my life has changed-- I've been on the same meds since last february, see my therapist every other week... but first the meds seemed to be wearing off (hence the depression), and now this?

What the hell is happening to me?

(I know this is probably a better question for a doctor/therapist, I just need someone to talk to me about it until I can make it to next week. My hope is that someone will have been here before, or at least semi-understand my ramblings.)