so much of what you say is pretty classic for dissociation, including the denial of it. i think that maybe we actually deceive ourselves as part of how we survive. i regularly go through bouts of confusion, denial, back and forth arguments. you say that you had years of childhood abuse, this has to have given you lots of reasons to want to check out. there's no fire without some smoke...
try to keep your mind open and talk to people here and see if you can find something that will help you make some healthy decisions.
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