Thanks for posting. I hope this message finds you feeling a little better today.

I know you didn't ask for answers but I want to say that without knowing your history, I don't think anyone here can even begin to make any sort of judgment call about what's going on so I won't even try to say anything other than the following...

I feel really strongly that you need to see a clinician for an evaluation. I'd recommend a specialist such as a psychiatrist or psychologist or clinical social worker but any MD will do as well if that's all you can access.

You mention you've never had a diagnosis and so I'll briefly explain what the assessment will be like for you. You will need to fill out a lot of paperwork so bring someone with you if you aren't able to focus on tasks to completion. You will be asked a lot of questions; probably before you even get to tell your story. You might get to tell your story the first session or you might have to wait until a follow-up appointment. The clinician will make recommendations for treatment or referral to another provider if they aren't able to serve your needs. They could determine that things with you are normal and you need no further treatment.

You use a lot of jargon in your post like mania, bipolar, and depression. I caution you against labeling yourself... we often misinterpret our own symptoms because we can't see the whole picture and it can limit healing because if we only focus on the things we see, we might push aside other concerns in favor of those easy-labels. The clinician will need to see the whole side of you so just describe your symptoms without the names you've given them over the years.

Your language is a bit chaotic and I'd guess that has something to do with what you describe as having to defend yourself in your mind and the distorted thinking you describe in your post. I hope I understood you correctly and I also hope you find some peace through your evaluation. Please keep us posted.