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multipixie9 · 11:36 AM

i'm afraid everyone's gonna get mad at me because i'm gettin messy. i'm saying lots of negative things, making some bad choices(including one s.i. and some over-medicating), feeling sorry for myself and telling what my life at home is really like without the sugar-coating. i've been waitin for the other shoe to drop with my spouse and i thought it was about to drop loudly today, but it was only a passive-aggressive statement of annoyance over my domestic failures. i'm remembering tortures and near death experiences and he's bummed over limited food choices and laundry i don't put away. BUT, when he made his angry statement my whole system went on high alert - you'd have thought he'd been really aggressively mean, and he wasn't.

i do not know how to be in a relationship, which is a problem since we've been married for 28 YEARS! i've spent almost 3 decades with this man and we are strangers. i feel like such a fake. if we are gonna be able to ever have a real marriage it is gonna take something along the lines of a genuine miracle.

i've been given some wonderful cyber-support. it means so much to me, but i'm way skimpy on real life support. that is gettin scary and painful. i'd go back to 12 step programs if i knew a healthy group to go to. i need some accountability. my child alts need some fences for safety boundaries. truth is though in recovery programs i've often chosen abusive sponsors and i won't do that again. i need some love in the truth, some mercy in the straight talking.

i have had an almost universal response of people in my life who said "you are too hard on yourself, why can't you be as kind to yourself as you are to us?" i don't have an answer to that question and i need one NOW cos somethin's gotta give and it can't be my sanity or my physical life.