(((((((((((((((lifelesstraveled))))))))))))))))))
It sounds like you are dealing with so much right now.
Sometimes fear can paralyze us. If you can, try not to look so far ahead into the future. Just focus on the present time and getting through today.
Use the T sessions you have and try to get the most out of them.
If you run out you can deal with it then, and maybe your T can even help you.
It's OK to vent - you did a great job expressing yourself in your post.
The more you process what you want and don't want, the more clear it will become in your own mind.
hand in there, and know you're not alone, and you are cared for.

ktgirl