There are times when I find it difficult to transfer into the written what is in my heart/soul.
This is one of those times. Perhaps if anyone reads this then you will keep it in mind.

usual claimer of jmo/jme

Sometimes I think we are so hard on ourselves--bit of an understatement! I'm as guilty of doing it as the next person...

Negative emotions used to make me feel even worse whenever I had them...almost like they fed on themselves until I felt worthless and stupid and on and on and on.

At some point, I realized this was a frightening and self destruction place to entrap myself.
Surprise to me! It was perfectly all right if I didn't feel good all the time, if I sometimes hated someone/life/etc.. I am not talking about the depression and sorrow that makes me convince myself to get out of bed to use the loo...
I'm talking about the times when, just for that moment, I dislike my life, my hair, the way I talk, or any number of things about someone else.
Guilt was my first reaction when I realized I had these So What Feelings...then that I was an ingrate for feeling that way.
After all, aren't I supposed to make every effort to feel good, feel stable, nearly numb myself to less than positive emotions?

I no longer expect that every waking moment is going to be just grand. What I do expect of myself is to follow most of the things in my safety net so they so not progress to free falling into the abyss.
It doesn't always work, either. I'll be tired/drained and feel entitled to feeling bad...nothing wrong with this as long as I don't stay in that mood.

Sometimes no matter what I do, I will feel crappy and weepy and snappish, and afraid. Nothing wrong with these feelings, either...it's what I do with them is the important thing.
The relative anonymity of the Internet allows us to share openly when we feel like we are two steps from hell.
IRL, I'm fortunate in having two close friends who help me when this occurs, and they know I'll do the same for them.

I don't want to be afraid of any feeling in my heart...I usually want to talk about it, learn, take the offered hugs, and know that I have been heard; that I am not invisible.
It's my desire that I will do this with others

Everyone of us has worked hard to get to a place of relative peace and some comfort. That hard work, I think, is part of the reason we are protective, but also part of the reason there may be fear in less than happy times.
We don't want to lose what we worked so hard to know...
That fear may also make us hold back just a tiny bit in enjoying the I--Feel-Good times...kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop? Don't feel too good because it's going to end?

Cap