Quote:
Originally Posted by Razzleberry
I think we have just been emotionally disconnected for so long, that is why there is no physical affection. It's not just sex, it's any form of romance. There is always an excuse - working late, kid not sleeping at night, just too tired..everything.
I know we need to figure out the emotional stuff first. But I don't know how to address it in counseling. He just asks us what we want to talk about today. He doesn't really guide it very much.
It's not all about sex. Sex isn't everything. If my huband was in an accident and paralyzed from the waist down, I should be happy to live the rest of my life without sex, right? If my husband went to Iraq, I should honor him and wait until he got back, right?
So it's not about the sex, really. It's that there is no romance, period. I feel like we are in a brother-sister relationship, not a husband-wife. I do know that he loves me - I used to doubt it, but after some crap I pulled this summer, I finally realized that he does actually love me, or he wouldn't still be married to me. But it's not romantic love. We barely even kiss anymore, we never 'flirt' with each other, never cuddle, never have a night together alone. Anytime I try to suggest getting a babysitter for the night, he finds an excuse not to.
And I feel guilty to even complain about anything, because I am the one at fault. I am the one who screwed up. He didn't do anything wrong. Not his fault he has no sex drive. I should have communicated how I really felt. I never talked about things because I didn't want to hurt his ego by reminding him that he wasn't satisfying his wife. That would only make matters worse. So I kept my mouth shut, and quit trying for anything. Just waited for him to initiate...which never happened.
Anyway...I'm not sure what to do. I don't really want to start all over with a new therapist. And this one is 2 doors down the hall from my (individual) therapist, so we can coordinate the appointments one after the other. I go to my shrink at 9:00, then marriage counseling at 10:00, then we go to lunch together at 11:00 and I get to work at Noon. It's working out really well for my schedule. And my husband seems to like this therapist. I don't know.
How do I explain to the therapist that I still want to work through these issues? Or how do I get over them on my own?
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That post is making me sad because this is the attitude I wanted my wife to have. And the fact tha tI am currently in Iraq just makes it even more spooky/real. I hope your situation turns out better than mine
What is really weird is the fact I came home from Japan for predeployment leave and even though we had agreed to divorce, I came by her/our apartment and started seeing her. It first was just sex and I told her that isnt the
only reason i came by. Before I left for Japan, I admitted to her I had neglected her and I was going to make everything right. I told her I was going to bring her to Japan when I got back from Iraq.
So I kept coming by the apartment and I was showing her that I did lose sight of what was important to me as a husband. I showed her for two weeks (the whole length I was home), that I had become the husband she wanted me to be. Then she kept flip flopping that she wanted the divorce, she didnt, she did, she didnt. Then I told her to wait and see what happens when I get back from Iraq. I have called her at least 5 times a week, emailed her at least once a day, and sent loving myspace/facebook messages at least 3 times a week. I gave this marriage that was dying 150% and i am the one deciding to end it now. She wouldnt make future plans with me, she wouldn't stop seeing guy friends, and she lied to me about seeing guy friends. Granted I cannot control who she is friends with or not, but i told her considering her actions, i am not comfortable with her seeing guy friends, especially ones I do not know (which is all of them). She deemed it necessary to do it (at least) one more time.
It seems your husband needs my attitude on this and my wife needed yours. I guess what made me change was the fact that I was going to Iraq and I had alot of regrets once I thought about it. That is why I gave the marriage another chance. I didn't want to have any more regrets with her. I did everything I could, even from over here.