At the rate I am going and feeling at the moment, not going to be around much longer. Today all I have wanted to do was cry but can't. Feel sick to my stomach and when I eat something it makes the feeling worse, but I am hungry.

My step son will be going to his mothers next weekend, and yesterday he took a knife and puncured my bed ( adjustable by air cause of my back.) when I confronted him about it, he didn't have a clue as to how it happened. When I said I did not believe him, he said that I must have done it so I could blame him for it. Which lead to more words, before it was done he was in my face and had me pinned to the stairs. I wanted very much to respond and put his face in the dirt, but afraid if i started I would not be able to stop myself.

Even with meds at night I only got a couple of hours of sleep, and this morning I could barely move (bed is screwed now, no support.) I feel guilty for not wanting him around me at all, but I can't take it any more. Makes me feel like a complete and utter failure in damn near everything. I don't understand I did eerything right, worked hard, provided and tried to make things better and all I did it seems is make it worse.

If it were not for the vauge hope down the road that maybe I will be happy, I'd say to hell with it all and go swiming in the locks. But then again I can't bring myself to do that.

I am getting to the point that I simpley can't take it any more, it is too much to handle alone, I can't do it. Everything is my fault right down the line as they say, I have problems even filling out simple forms some times. I get so far then get either so depressed I can barely stand it or into a panic attack.

can't no more