I went to my AA meeting tonight, and found out that a woman my age (in her 30s) died today because of an annurysm. She was just at an AA meeting on Saturday - totally fine, completely healthy. Today they took her off of life support.

I didn't know her well. I had been to a handful of meetings with her over the years. She was beautiful, honest, joyful, free, and loving.

At the meeting I was at tonight, a friend of mine (I call him my "AA Dad") shared a part of her story that I didn't know about. She used to cut. She shared that part of her story with my friend because his niece was bipolar and cutting and he was scared and didn't understand. She told him what it was like for her when she did it, and why, and how she recovered.

I was BLOWN AWAY. Just two weekends ago I was about one step from being hospitalized for cutting and for suicidal ideation. I have three beautiful boys and everything to live for and I just wanted to cut myself to pieces and end it all.

And here was beautiful Monice, whole, recovered, wanting to live, and she's DEAD NOW. I'm not even sure how I feel. So guilty. Like...why am I alive and she is dead? It doesn't make sense, and it scares me, and it makes me question God or the universe or whatever.

I feel sick and guity and horrible and selfish. And sad for poor Monice and her family. I feel like I want to talk to T, but of course, it's 10 at night.

I feel like I can hardly breathe. I am so ashamed of how selfish I've been. I don't know what to do.