((((((((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))

that is awful. I'm so sorry. I understand how this feels so big for you.
I've often thought of others who die suddenly - people I hear about on the news, people I don't even know. How it is such a tragedy when they die......and there is guilt because sometimes I would gladly take their places.

But don't you see? You are so much like Monice! You are just at a different place in the healing process. That doesn't mean that you are bad and she is good, that you should berate yourself for being selfish.

YOU WILL get to the place that she was before she died.....where you are whole, recovered, wanting to live and loving your life. It will come, earthmama. And when that happens, will you have an anyeruism and die like she did? Or will you live until you're 101? Neither of us know, of course. But honor Monice by allowing her life and death POSITIVELY affect you. Don't allow her story to set you back on your healing journey. If she was as wonderful as you say, she would want her life (and death) to inspire you, to help you see life as a gift, to help you appreciate every moment, and to be one more thing that nudges you to the point that you WANT to live and hate the thought of self injury or suicide.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, earthmama. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
Would you tell me I should be ashamed for this things I've done?
You are in pain, you have been hurt by others BUT you are using your amazing strengh and determination to heal. Be patient with yourself.

((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Sending and , and holding you in my heart,
ktgirl