I do have a psychiatrist, but since I missed our last meeting and couldn't get hold of her, because she hasn't given me any means of contacting her.. She has my address and number, yet hasn't contacted me in 5 weeks.. Just goes to show how unimportant I am and how little she'd miss me if I died..

I have no family.. I have only one friend, who has let me down.. I thought she was my best friend, but no.. I realise now that she's not because I can't talk to her about absolutely everything.. The person more likely to be a best friend to me, is Sky.. Someone I met on another forum, whom I have known for a few months now, who lives in London and who has been there for me through some pretty darn tough times.. Yet, I feel like a burden to her, to everyone..

My family? Here goes.. At the age of a week old, I almost died from bronchitis. At the age of 3, my parents split up and my Father committed suicide, my Mum was an alcoholic by then. At the same age, my twin, me, my brother and other sister were all fostered. At the age of 5, we were adopted.. My Twin and I to Shana and Patrick and my Brother and other Sister, to Joe and Sally.. At the age of 5 was when My Twin (Bryony) and I were adopted. At the age of ten, my adoptive brother (Sahan and Patrick's biological son), sexually abused me.. Now, at the age of ten, someone who's 13, nearly 14 teaching you such things, you don't know whether it's wrong or right, you think it is because you're being taught it by an elder.. Right? Wrong.. He asked me for sex. I said no, that was when I knew all he'd done to me was wrong.. He kept asking and asking.. I said I was scared of getting pregnant.. He said "you've not started your periods yet, have you?" "No..." "Then there's no way you'll get pregnant" still, he didn't get his way.. Then, him and my twin, who knew about it, threatened me.. Told me not to tell anyone at all, or they'd beat me to a pulp, kill me.. So for 6 years I held onto that.. Until for the first time, I told a teacher I trusted at my school, a partially trained counsellor, who taught at the school.. She was so helpful..

At the age of 14, I had my ex ask me for sex. I wasn't ready, but he was, he wouldn't take no for an answer.. Luckily, I escaped before anything happened, but he got close.. Too close.

15, Connor and I got together and slowly, my life unraveled before his eyes.. I told him everything. It took me over 6 months to learn to trust him, well.. Over a year.. He noticed I was down, asked what was wrong, but I wouldn't say.. I couldn't say.. This was the day of our one year anniversary, how could I tell him? I told him and he was fuming..

16, my adoptive parents kicked me out at 9.30 at night, after I'd found my own personal journal entries in their room and confronted them about it. They'd been caught out and didn't like it.. They threw me into a solid pine and glass door, then I was flung across the kitchen, into the corner of a unit, taking a chunk out of my hip. I went to get my phone, Connor was due to call.. Came back down and Shana was stood holding the door open. OUT!! She screamed. "You- You're.. you're kicking me out?" "GET OUT!!! NOW!" That was it, she grabbed me, dragged me out of the door and slammed it shut on my back.. 'click'. The door was locked.

I ran to the only place I knew I could possibly be safe. The park. Connor called and I broke down, the police came and got me and spoke to Shana and Pat. They told them I punched her. I didn't. But they didn't listen. I stayed at Connor's for a week, got a place in a supported housing place and am there a year on, still getting s*** from them. They can't just let me move on..

That's only a snippet of my life..

I know now that I'll not be able to move on from that because of the unconditional love I now have missing in my life. I have love from Connor, my partner, but not love from friends and family.. That is a huge void in my life and always will be, but the friends love will grow I know that.. Unconditional love will be a huge void.. Something I'll never get because I've no family.. Even though I have started to see my birth Mother, because of the 14 years that were missed out.. The 14 years that we've not had to build a bond. I feel like she's just a normal person to me, but I know that she's my Mum and I feel a slight bond between us, but not the strong bond that all Mothers and Children should feel..

I feel lost, hurt, torn a[part, killed, broken, nothingness, numb.. Like death.

What the hell do I do? I feel like I'm only ever going to keep being let down.. I've been let down too many times in my life and everytime something new happens that makes me happy, or feel better, I get let down again..