hi Pain, sending caring thoughts for your situation.. those are some really hard things to have to deal with... i know much of it makes no sense to you and you are struggling now trying to understand...

i get the sense that you have tried really hard in life and you've had some unkind experiences happen to you.. yes, i know thats a mild way of putting it..

i say it mildly because we are talking here about some real serious stuff that has you in a place of feeling very hopeless about your future...

i wont disagree that that is a lot of awful stuff in a short life, but i want to emphasize something for you..

it has so far been a very short life...

time is really your friend but it doesnt seem like it right now...

thankfully you found a place to stay and you have Connor.... you have us and you have your local support community... no, it doesnt add up to unconditional love in your current view of thngs, but thats the way its supposed to be right now for you... not sure why, just working with it...

you are the pilot of your own vessel in some ways, and in other ways we rely on the strength and hope of other individuals around us...

there is no shame in this.... we all can help each other somehow, i firmly believe it, and there is someone who can reach you... in time...

dont let yourself believe that good and true love can never happen for you if you can avoid it... there's always hope as long as we breathe...

you have a lot of sensitivity and many times that is our dark enemy if we let our inner voice tell us things that will eventually cause us great harm...

you can still stay on course to a productive future though you cannot fix the past...

sending hope to you..