That's all I ever do, is think positive, force myself to be happy, show people that yes, I am trying.. But no, when I have an effing down day.. I get shouted at for it like I do it all the f*cking time!! It's unfair!! I have been so positive for what.. nearly 3 weeks now? I had a bad dream on Saturday night and woke up in tears.. That spoiled my weekend a bit because it was a really happy dream, but waking up ruined it because it put me back into the here and now, and the reality where the dream wasn't real and I felt that same empty hole I've felt for years..

I know there's time to have good and true love happen and I believe I have found true love.. But the person I am in love with and am in a relationship with just doesn't get that.. I have tried so, so hard to make him happy, to make me feel better and him, to make me feel happier.. On Sunday, I bought some nice chocolates, dressed really nicely, did my makeup really nicely and made such an effort with my hair and everything about the way I looked... I bought some stuff to cook dinner and puuding, got home and he didn't seem to notice. Just said "You do know that I think you're beautiful, don't you?" That was generalised.. He didn't comment on my hair, my makeup, the effort with the clothes, so it just made it seem so pointless.. I have had a down day today and already, he's gotten angry and ranted to me about always being dramatic, how I haven't had a crap weekend, how I'm getting some good things happening... etc etc etc. BUT. I told him how I fetl, which normally I don't.. No.. He didn't give a flying s**t about that, all he cared about was the fact that I'd been happy since nearly 3 weeks ago, up until now.. It took him out of that comfort of knowing that I was being positive. He took advantage of that fact and now is paying for it and he doesn't like it..

If I don't tell him how I feel, he gets annoyed, if I do tell him when I'm feeling down, he gets annoyed and acts like I do it all of the time.. So how the hell do I win???!!

How do I deal with this? I don't know what to do.. I love him so much, but sometimes I feel like I could hate him for the way he treats me.. I'm worried about him because stress is making him physically sick.. I am taking on so many other people's troubles at the moment, but that's just to cover up my own problems to deal with them when I'm ready..

I feel like a good person for doing that, but no.. He says I'm wrong in doing thta.. I feel like a better person for doing it, it makes me feel happier.. Does that not matter? Maybe it brings me down sometimes, but maybe that's because I just like to be able to help and sometimes feel like I can't.. Everyone gets like that. Don't they?

sorry, rant over.. I'll quit complaining now. *phew*