I have a lot of the familiar complications of BPD piggybacking on alcoholism: financial chaos, medical bills, chronic under- and unemployability, even homelessness. The latest mess is having my checking account frozen (albeit illegally, or so it seems) by a collections agency, something I'm looking into resolving through the local Legal Aid people, with whom I have an intake tomorrow.

Because things have gotten markedly worse for me from a functional standpoint in the past few months, a friend who knows a little about these things suggested that I also talk to the Legal Aid folk about medical disability. She thinks I certainly qualify and that I could take a lot of heat and stress off myself by going that route while I get the rudiments of my life in order.

I admit that the idea is unsettling. On one hand, I feel that by assuming disabled status, I would either be abusing the system (I mean, I'm a serial drunk and an idiot, seemingly by choice) or having to confront the fact that I'm just as dysfunctional as I keep insisting I am; neither choice is appealing and there's nothing in between them. On the other hand, lately, I have really felt a growing sense of something like confusion, or general failure of orientation, or something. Mundane tasks have become a challenge, and I've skipped two job interviews out of the simple sense of not being able to do what I am supposed to do even if hired. This is new; I used to bounce back pretty well in these areas, but now I feel like a lost boy, and not just when I'm hung over or shithoused.

What is negotiating this "system" like? Is it something that dogs you later (as in, future employers holding it against you)? Are there both temporary and "permanent" forms? I wish I had more coherent questions, but my basic concern is twofold: an element of shame, and basic curiosity.

Then again, maybe I could write that Great American Novel if I didn't have to worry about supporting myself.

Edited to add: As can probably be inferred, I do not have health insurance. I am not working now (was both hospitalized and living in a shelter recently, squeezing in some alcohol treatment in between) and in fact have not had a FT job in over three years (and that one did not last long). I generally support myself as a freelance writer and editor.