A little over four years ago I went through a pro se divorce after being married for 18 years and having two children. My husband threatened that if I fought him and tried to get any kind of child support or maintenance, he would see to it that I never saw the kids again and he would drag everyone in court he could find to testify against me to ensure it.

I didn't know at the time that he couldn't do that. Things like disagreements with my father-in-law or sister-in-law would have no bearing on my parental abilities, and there was nothing he could say against me as far as parenting that would make a court see fit to take them away.

I had the judge throw out the case the first time we saw her because I signed the agreement that my husband drew up under duress. We went to mediation and he agreed to let me go from having the proposed 30% visitation to 50%. He claimed I was going to be a bad parent because I wanted the divorce. He made all kinds of bizarre claims that he had friends spying on me and reporting to him that they saw me with other men. He wouldn't even let me leave the house without the kids, claiming I was leaving to see other men if I did. Then when I had the kids, he'd accuse me of leaving them with other people so I could see other men. There were NO other men.

The second time we went back to the judge, she still suggested I contest the settlement agreement and hire a lawyer. I just wanted the divorce over and since I was getting to see my kids 50% of the time, I glossed over the rest of the agreement. That was a really stupid thing to do.

He always claimed that he's too poor to pay child support, even though he makes about 60K a year. A few months ago I asked once again to get to claim one of the kids on taxes since we have a 50/50 split and I pay for nearly 50% of their needs, minus their health insurance coverage because I don't get it with my job. I said I would go so far as to take him back to court if he continued to fight me on something he claimed wasn't a big deal. (If the tax deduction doesn't save him all that much money, why is he so reluctant to part with it? Because then he would have to admit that some of his demands during the divorce were unreasonable, most likely, and he can't have that).

His next threat was that if I took him back to court the judge would demand that I pay him child support even though I make almost half as much money per year as he makes. He claimed child support is based on expenses, not income, and his expenses are greater than mine because he still has the house and covers the kid's medical care, but he also has it written than any medical/dental over $1000 per year gets split 60/40 between us. This is how he controls me - threatening to have the kids taken away or that he will get some of my money if I try to stand up to him legally.

He always played the financial card to keep me from taking him back to court, saying his income doesn't cover his expenses as it is. He's refinanced his house and now has a roommate so I can't let him use that excuse any more. (I should have never let it be an excuse but, regardless, I did).

I finally hired a lawyer at the end of February and he said the agreement that my husband wrote up is completely worthless. Some of the demands I agreed to aren't even legal in this state. Four years ago the judge told me in the best way possible without overstepping her boundaries that his demands were out of line. I didn't listen to her then, but it was always nagging at the back of my mind knowing that he was wrong to do what he did and I was wrong to agree to it.

It feels so good to finally have some validation from several sources - judge, lawyer, paralegal, counselors - that everything I went through wasn't in my head and he was indeed abusing me by emotionally manipulating me and using the kids as a weapon, but it still feels wrong that I'm finally standing up to him - like I'm somehow in the wrong by not continuing to back into the corner and stay there.

It almost feels wrong to restart a battle four years later, even though it shouldn't have ended the way it did and even though I have the law agreeing with me now. I've tried it his way for all these years, and it's not working. Now I'm doing things my way for a change. Why does it feel like I'm in the wrong?