You did not "let" any of it happen. It happened to you. You were a child, a youngster, a teen. I'm guessing you started cutting because you were never given other coping skills and though this wasn't "given" to you, you learned that if you can make your own body feel pain, you can control it. How deep, how often. I'm also guessing that the physical pain you encounter is better than the emotional. After all, put a bandaid on it and it goes away. Not so with our mind. And not so with your scars now. You're getting there--you realize cutting is hurting you more than just physically. You want to get better, so you are here, you are starting with a new t, you are willing to stumble to walk. However, you need to practice gentleness with yourself. Your physical body can take no more pain, just as your emotional body can't. Treat them both gently, my friend.