Might be triggering, or might be not. Just saying up front that my pdoc said she was scared of me last visit, even though I didn't feel like I was out to scare anybody.

I saw my pdoc a couple weeks ago, which is unusual for me- usually its just every 3 months or so. I usually post here every time I have an appointment, to update, so I bet its down a few posts, but here's what happened today.

It was supposed to be a 15-minute check up on my new med, risperdol. It went about double that. She asked how I had been and I said good and bad. I told her about my horrible week before my period- with my boyfriend, my emotions going all over and especially mad and sad. I told her I'd had some auditory hallucinations, too, and what they were. She said it didn't sound like my new med was working and I agreed. Then I said and she agreed that my Depakote doesn't ever get to theraputic blood levels. Supposed to be 50-150 and mine is at the best in the 40's. (She looked up the details.) She said that last time I was there, I "scared" her! I said "Well, I was there in my pajamas," joking, and then said that that day when I checked out, this woman had been looking at me and I scowled meanly at her because she was staring. So my pdoc says that that day in her office I was being "paranoid" and "psychotic" and this is when we starting talking about changing my meds. I had told her that I wasn't too fond of my therapist/social worker and everybody that day was pissing me off and I wanted to take it out on them. So she says this is part of mania, too. Hey- I was just being truthful in therapy! (Nevermind that I had lost my inhebitions of "getting into trouble"... however, I was pretty bright and cheery and truthful today, too.)

So she gave me a list of things we could try. Since some of this happened right before my period, we'd see if it happens again this month.
Among the things, I said trying hormones is out, because of previous blood clots in my lungs. She said adding lithium; using more or less risperdol; only upping depakote; adding geodon, or letting it replace risperdol (can't remember);going off celexa... Now I have to go find the sheet again! D'oh! We really didn't have time for me to decide then... I was trying to ask about side effects and if any of this would put two blocks between neurons instead of the one already there, (that's distance blocks); what putting metal into my brain would do (then I joked about labotamies), forgetting that lithium is a salt not its metal form . Still, I've heard it can do a long-term number on your brain.

I talked to my BF about it tonight and he said he never said that I don't have hallucinations. Guess he believes I do? I did tell my pdoc that I am not scared of them- yet.

School is not going well and I still don't know what to do about that, except pdoc said changing the risperdol dose or taking it earlier in the evening might help with being so sleepy in the morning. I've missed enough classes that I maybe can catch but I don't know. I feel like I need to get back to what is me- what is my core which is singing, which is the beauty of life, which is watching my kids grow, which is watching my youngest son at 7 sing in a choir and be GOOD at it and love it! Its listening to music and just BEING. I feel like I see more and more of how I have been my whole life the further I go down into the bad parts and up into the good parts of being bipolar. It isn't Me, but it sure has shaped me. There are books written about bipolar and genius, or bipolar and intense emotions or understand music or art in ways most people don't. That is the story of my life. People told me I was special my whole life- well, not every second, but over all, I was told I was the exception to the rule. And then in other ways, very much NOT like everybody else and lacking in some way. I STILL feel that way! The circuits in my brain, where there WERE files there, it isn't that my brain is all filled up, but some files have been so written over and over again, that they were scratched to the point of being a blank mess.